my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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