She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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