ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
