come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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