weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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