don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
