you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
