Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
