But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
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Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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