"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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