I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
