We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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