got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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