Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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