It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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