After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
