im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
This toilet bowl is my home.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
