ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
A+ Viking dick
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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