..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
