I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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