Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
