Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
