Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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