An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
