Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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