Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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