2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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