Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
