then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
