so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
