dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
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Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
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I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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