i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
