I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
