I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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