dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
