3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
