Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
