Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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