I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
