Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
