I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
