I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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