I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
