Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
