My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
