connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
