I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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