I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
