Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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