I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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