i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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