the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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