I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
