so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
