My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.