seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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