And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
